I always believed in magic. I grew up in a challenging family environment. My father was a highly intelligent, angry alcoholic. My amazing mother was emotionally absent but did everything she could to give me a good life. My sister is a narcissistic psychopath that has made me the target of the worst of her abuse from the day of my birth.

One thing she did was taunt, provoke, lie to me, anything to get a reaction out of me. When I was tortured enough to react, she would then go to my Mother and tell her I was mentally unstable, once coercing my Mother to take me to a Doctor in the hopes of getting me taken away due to my "problems". In adulthood, unknown to me my sister once wrote to my Mother telling her I wanted nothing to do with my Mother again, and that she was to not contact me again. My Mother believed the demand had come from me, and I had to fight to be believed over this fabrication from my sister. My sister harassed me, sent me threats directly, as well as to my then partner, reporting him for domestic violence that has never occurred. At one point she was threatening me at work, through email, text, voice mails, all because I bought a house and she had found out about the insolence of me daring to have one small success. And this is just a small sample of the experiences I have had.

When you grow up with abuse there can come a day when you display the first trauma response that you can't ignore. For me it was the day a fake taxi driver stalked me, and attempted to kidnap me. I escaped his car, but my own freeze response shook me. What happened to me could have been so much worse.

After this happened, I removed all objects of whimsy from my room. I didn't want to forget how cruel the world could be. It took years to realise that the CPTSD growing inside me was actually stemming from my sister.

Over the last few years the abuse from my sister has escalated. When I cut contact, she came at me through others and by stalking me online. When those lines of contact were no longer available for her to use, she sought an "ambulance chasing" lawyer to blackmail me with a no merit case. They played games, making the costs of getting to court so high, that even if I won I would never see my money again as my sister would just claim bankruptcy and get the debt to me written off. She is incapable of giving up trying to destroy my life and somehow manages to find people to join her crusade.

But somehow, among all of this, I began to believe in magic again. I began to embrace my inner fairy, something that encompasses me in my true form, under the personality that was built to serve my sisters toxicity. I fought harder through the delusion of my sister's reality, and how she saw me. 

My true form, when I manage to connect with it, is bubbly, energetic, light, nature-loving, mischievous, soaring and sparkly. I see glimmers of it when interacting with those I am more comfortable with, and when I am alone. I'm also capable of being wise, insightful, kind and patient. Absolutely worthy of a very special fairy wand.

I am now on a journey to fully realise my traumatised roots and simultaneously grow my wings back, in all their colours. I seek to fully embrace my magical world again, the world I know is present in where we live right now. I don't know if healing is possible. I can still be a fairy even if I am broken. And this is now my mission.

Written on 19th of January 2024 by Belle DreamCatcher